Incompetence in fast food.

I hate incompetent employees. Your job isn't hard, give me what i ask for and do it in a swift, polite manner. Rinse and repeat you bitch.

I love subway. I eat subway everyday. I could be the new poster boy for subway. I hate it when i get some stupid trainee; lacking confidence, lacking braincells, doesnt look me in the eye, cant make a fucking sandwich, going places in life, wearing too much makeup, too much fake tan, obviously ordered a shirt one size too small to show off her tits, obviously wants me. Pizza sub has pizza sauce ontop of the salami babe, then its cheese. And learn how to wrap a sub so its not half hanging out. Idiot. Even though everyones been a trainee at some stage in their life, i effing hate them.

Macdonalds. Pickles. Everytime i ask for no pickles please i seem to get enough pickles to start my own pickle business. How hard is it to follow a simple instruction. My shares in Pickle Co. have sky rocketed. The figures are out of this world. Pickles dont even taste nice, only freaks eat them. Only freaks pick them out and put them on their tongue. Only freaks eat other peoples pickles. Cool people throw them on the ceiling or at other unsuspecting losers ordering their meals. My word on this subject is final.

Houseparties

Here's my hateful experience of a house party, please still invite me to house parties so i feel important:

You arrive far, far too early. You awkwardly select a walking path to avoid saying hi to anyone and make a conceited effort to avoid eye contact with the opposite sex. It becomes apparent that you're horribly overdressed. You attempt to introduce yourself to some new people. You fail at saying hello and choke. They mishear your name. You don't correct them. You cling to the only people you know and check your watch/phone every 2 minutes, inbetween sculls from your drink. Your misheard name spreads around the party like wildfire. You pass the point of no return. You've now drank too much. You achieve drunkness. You spend the entire evening responding to the name "Boney".

An argument threatens to get nasty. It doesn't.

Someone hooks up with someone. Everyone goes on about it.

You make a really good joke. No one hears it. You wonder whether it's okay to make it again. You do make it again. Everyone does hear it. No one laughs.

You tell your host you're leaving. He tells you his DJ mate hasn't even arrived yet. You pretend you've got another party to go to "before sun-up." You wonder whether "sun-up" made you sound a bit like Crocodile Dundee. It did. You go home. Alone. You drink a glass of water. You think about how much fun you had, and how no one will remember you even being there. You put your jim-jams on. You realise that while internet-based social networking sites will doubtless bring about the end of modern civilisation, at least you'll no longer have to physically spend time with people.

Dedicated to Catty Fox.

Lack of tissues in peoples houses that i've visited recently

This is my new hat, i hope you enjoy it as much as i do.

I hate people that dont have tissue boxes lying around the house for convenient use. What the fuck is wrong with you people? Ok fair enough, im arab, and you might not have a nose with the ability to house small asian villages or large russian families, but do you really want people walking to your toilet everytime they want to blow their nose? Do people only bother buying tissues when they are sick or something? Is it coming to that point in my life when i have to carry around a travel pack of tissues everytime i go out. Do i bring the hanky back in? FUCK YOU buy tissues NOW. They arent expensive, they are a nice addition to your decor if you get a cool tissue box cover and they come in handy like almost all the time. geez.

The awkwardness i get from overtaking old women on the footpath

I hate old women abrubtly stopping on the footpath, I hate the awkward face i put on as i dodge and weave, and i hate the way i curve my body like a plastic ruler to avoid contact with them. Coincidently i hate people who walk slowly, and people who walk in large groups, and people who change their mind at the last second and walk into your route without saying sorry after you move out of their way.

I especially hate overtaking old women, because with old women there's always the danger that you're going to scare them very literally to death. Particularly when it's late, im dressed all in black, clutching an umbrella that bears an uncanny resemblance to a truncheon and wearing a pair of leather strangler's gloves. This would also be known as a creep/rapist.

If only there was some kind of universally accepted special cough that said, "OK madam, I'm walking behind right you, and I'm unfortunately dressed like a sex pest, but trust me, I am not interested in raping you."

Trouble with this is, once the actual rapists caught wind of this cough, we'd have to come up with something else, so it's probably not worth it.

Using gym equipment after females or weaklings, also, people that dont use towels and sweat all over everything.

I mean, obviously I can benchpress like, you know, a shitload of weight. And as for reps, don't talk to me about reps. I've got reps coming out of my nose. We're talking anywhere between five and ten. Unfortunately it seems however high I like my weight settings on a given piece of gym equipment, the woman or child who used it immediately before me always had it set quite a lot higher. Which is when I have to go through the elaborate charade of pretending to put the weight setting up while sneakily taking it down to somewhere around the 10kg level, then quickly completing my five reps before any girls or big guys look at me, then covertly putting it back really high for the next person, to ensure an impressive exit from the room.

This whole process is more exhausting than my actual work-out . Which is punishing. Which is why ive stopped working out. The only thing that gets a work out these days is my right hand and sometimes my left. Also i forgot why i was working out in the first place, i dont like sports, i just like the idea of being one of those busy 9-5 people that still manage to go to the gym and have a life, drive nice cars and go out to dinner every night with their girlfriends. Thats happening.

Also sweaty, smelly people should be banned from the gym. I know most of you would be thinking "what the fuck is wrong with you, its a place to work out not a place to be worried about how you smell" but sorry, if you dont shower before your workout you are spreading your stench and filth all over the machines other people have to use and i take back that sorry because you are definitely disgusting. The only exception is a hot girls sweat, lick that shit up, droool. The gym asks you to bring a towel so you can sit your sweaty ass crack on it instead of giving everyone samonela poisoning and aids. Your towel does not rest on your shoulder, or with your water bottle.

The gym, like everything excersise related, is for losers that need to prove themselves.